Well yesterday hubby and I went to the MFM specialist, Dr. B. Basically there is a 25% chance that what happened to little E, can happen again. I am so heartbroken and angry at God and nature. Each time that I achieve a pregnancy, there is a 25% chance my baby may be “incompatible with life.” Although mine and hubby’s chromosomes are fine and so was E’s, they just can’t rule out Meckel-Gruber. Little E had all the classic symptoms, and it seems Meckel-Gruber can hide itself (THAT BITCH). So between those odds, and the odds of a subsequent pregnancy after a loss, well here we are with the wretched 25%.
If only ‘good’ women who loved their children had babies, if only…I could feel better about this. But that is not nearly the reality. Bitches, evil women, weak women who allow their children to be abused, drug users, smokers and alcoholics, and of course-my favoriate, the habitial aborter, all for the most part conceive easily. It’s only screwed people like me who get these fucking odds. There is a very real risk that this could happen again to me and hubby.
The only bright side is that this time we should find out sooner, through earlier tests and sonograms. But if there is something definitively found I would have to terminate-b/c the baby if he/she survived to term, will die at birth. Not diminished quality of life or handicap, no, this is certain death. Oh and part of that bright side is that my wondeful hubby has again proven he’s worth his weight in gold. He loves me, he loves me, he loves me! And he wants to keep trying if my health is not impaired and I do too.
God, if your listening please step in now. This is really too much. First you take our baby and now we have to prepare for this to happen again. Although I should feel like I have my husband and my hope of our parenthood to live for, I could just die.
Why does it have to be hard for some and easy for others?
I want to trust in you and prayer, but I prayed my heart out for E. So many others did too. You did nothing. You heard my cries for her life. I bargained with you up until the bitter end for her life. I even offered my own. You did nothing. Why? I want to trust you, but it’s getting harder and harder each day. All I can think about is that her due date is looming and she is dead. I told you I don’t want to cry any more. Please step in. Are you listening? Are you there? Please God don’t take any more of our children away. You nearly killed me with E. I miss her everyday. You caused our hearts to swell up with love of her and you took her way.
Am I a better person now? Yes. Is hubby? Oh yeah. But was this the price to pay? Her life?
There are such fucked up people in this world who get their babies. Where are mine? There are wonderful people who don’t have the financial means and they get so many children. Where is my one?