Here I am at work, and honestly I am not earning my pay, per say. I just can’t concentrate. The internet has become my addiction, I can’t stop ‘googling’ certain key phrases: ‘reoccurrence of birth defects’, ‘birth defects’, ‘subsequent pregnancy’…etc. Can you guess where my mind is??? I have already submitted all my paperwork to the Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM) unit. Good Dr. L, although he took an eternity, called to let me know that he finally submitted my paperwork. We are on the eve of memorial day weekend, and no one is available to set up an appointment at MFM.
It is really hard to wait. I’ve had to deal with so much crap…the fear of lupus (negative), the fear of deficiencies of anti-clotting blood agents (negative) fear of a gentic disorder (her karotype came back normal)….ugh!
Damnit, I just want to know. I just want to KNOW already. I lost my baby on 2/23/07. It’s been just over 3 months. I don’t want to wait anymore. I want to know what happened to my precious girl. I want to know if there is something wrong with me, or hubby. I want to know what my future could be like. Damnit all! I just want to know how to feel. There is the chance I may never know, but that’s ok, I guess. Well OK, if there are no other answers.
It makes me nearly sick to think that all my information, along with all the potential answers and suggested course of action for a future pregnancy are quietly sitting in some doctor’s filing cabinet. Perhaps some secretary has occupied her last few minutes of her break reading out of my imagined folder for kicks. Hell, I don’t know…but what I don’t know seems to be killing me.
I miss my baby, I miss those few short days of bliss that I had before I found out that my baby would die.
I need to look toward a future, and I don’t know how. I need to begin this crazy non-linear process called closure, and I can’t seem to because I just don’t know what the deal is.
The only silver lining is that hubby’s friends JD, and his wife, MD, are seeing MFM as well. I just may have a shoulder to lean on and a companion on this crazy journey. MD has not fallen pregnant in over two years of trying, and she is very close to 40. It seems we all have issues, she apparently can’t get pregnant unassisted and I got pregnant the first time we ‘didn’t avoid’, yet lost my little baby.
May God take pity on us and guide us, I guess.