Mother’s Day 2007: Rage & Fury

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Exactly one week ago today, I was crying my heart out because it was Mother’s Day and my baby, was simply dead. I missed her so much and was angry and hurt. Why did God take my baby away…why did he cause her body to have ‘anomalies’, why did she have to die?

Those were some of the questions I was battling as I awoke in our friend’s daughter’s room. I know how cruel…that I had to sleep there with my husband…but it was the only available room. Hubby was drawing up blue prints for our friends new home, and we had to sleep over. It was so painful….seeing their rooms decorated, especially the one that had the colors and scheme (yellow, green, animal border and animals on the wall) that I had envisioned for my baby girl.

After being surrounded by their daughters – one was three and the other a year and a half, after seeing their rooms, after hearing that they were going to have a Mother’s Day BBQ, I simply lost it. It was time to go.

My husband and I drove to a McDonald’s that morning, and as we sat in the parking lot drinking our coffee (mine iced, his steaming), I let it all out. I was screaming so loud, he rolled up the windows. I was raging, ranting, spewing hate and hurt. I was angry, heated, hurt, that
his family never made a big deal out of her death. His sister never called, that total BITCH.
I heard some time after our baby’s loss, that she was upset that we did not go to Washington to visit her husband that was stationed there (Border Patrol Agent).

Oh excuse me, you bith, I’m sorry that the death my baby inconvenienced you. She actually called my house at about this time, looking for hubby and tells me when I answer the phone: “So how’s it going?” How I did NOT jump on a plane and go to California to put her through a wall…I will never know. But I was and remain much offended!

His parents were in California on the day of my baby’s induction (death) for the occasion of my brother-in-law’s graduation into Border Patrol (yes another one). They could have come back the next day or a few day’s later, yet they did not. They had one way tickets, and they did not. They had the money and the means, but again they did not. By the time mother-in-law called to tell me that I could have ‘another one’ (as if this one was disposable), I already had lost my respect and trust in their loyalty. It was too late in my book.

I was hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt. Did my baby not mean much? Was her short existence meaningless….???

And my poor mother wanted to be with me, but she has so little money, and at the time I thought I would lose my job…..so I did not give her any to be with me. She lives in Georgia and would have needed round-trip tickets. I had her beleive I would be ok that I needed this time alone. I told her all I would need was for her to be by the phone ‘on call’ if you will, incase I called her in a fit of dispair, and did I ever call her. I should have flown her in, and said “Fuck it”. I needed her, and she was one of the few that wanted to handle and absorb some of the raw, gut-wrenching pain, I was enduring.

I went through those first 2 weeks alone. Alone. Utterly alone, and I blame those who could have and should have been there – his so -called family. Hubby had to work, but was with me, supporting me and grieving himself in the evenings.

Fuck them, fuck them….that’s what I ranted on Mother’s Day. I did not have my bulging belly that I bargained for, my darling was not bubbling around in my womb, safe and secure.

No, she was dead. Mother’s Day 2007 was a bitch of a day.

…and then I somehow convinced my sweet husband, whom still loved me and worried for me, even though I just sent his family to hell, to go back to our friend’s house and finish the work. I went shopping, spent about $160 on stuff, and cried my way through the mall. I somehow sedated myself with material things. Hey, that shopping as therapy stuff helped a lot in the end.

But MD07 sucked.

Here’s hoping for a better MD08.

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About Jessica Emilia

Mother, wife, grief survivor, dancer, yogi, feminine, baker, cook, lover, fighter, perfectly imperfect, optimistic, pessimistic, reader, writer, funny, sarcastic, compassionate, emphatic, sympatheric, HR Pro, anxious, confident, supernatural, hocus-pocus, friend, daughter and momma again...

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