Welcome Xavier

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Xavier is 7 weeks old tomorrow.  I am so in love with him. He makes me so happy.  Just like Savannah, I can’t imagine a life with out him. How is it possible that someone can just arrive into your life one moment and seem like they were always there? There is no going back.  I love my little one with his grunts.  A family of 3 has now become a family of 4.  My heart has swelled with love…

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10 More Days

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I’m waiting on little Xavier’s arrival.  It has not been easy.  I am in such discomfort, stretched all over, feeling as if my pelvis has been split in two.  Still as I look at Savannah and consider that similar discomforts led to her in a period of 39+ weeks I feel too lucky to have her.

He is worth it.  He is worth it…

Writing Through Grief

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Writing Through Grief

I discovered blogging and truly harnessed it’s power for communicating all those complex (sometimes ugly, sometimes surprising) emotions after my first pregnancy loss and then after my second daughter died after a few hours of life. Reading the words of others that experienced that type of grief kept me alive. Today my blog serves as a record of how far i’ve come and it brings comfort to others actively grieving and reconciling their own struggles.
It’s an amazing vehicle for exploring our emotions.

The WordPress.com Blog

Blogs are incredible vehicles for exploring our passions and finding our voices. They can also be powerful tools for healing in the face of trauma; for many of us, the act of writing is a cathartic one.

These brave moms are blogging their way through one of life’s more traumatic losses: the loss of a child. Calling themselves babyloss blogs, they provide insight for those of us who have never experienced this unique pain and support for other parents starting to navigate the same grief — along with hope that life does go on, and happiness is still possible.

C is for Crocodile

2014 BlogHer Voices of the Year winner Timaree started C is for Crocodile to chronicle her pregnancy, never imagining that after three years and five months, she would instead be chronicling her son’s fight with juvenile myelomonocytic leukemia — an incredibly rare form of cancer. She blogged through his treatment…

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A World of Difference

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Life can be good.  Things can change. Nothing is static and thank God for that.  It’s been nearly 2 years since my last post and I’m so glad to be writing again. What kept me away?

Ziggy is doing so well.  She is beautiful, healthy, strong. Inquisitive and curious.  I love her dearly.  I can’t believe she is nearly 4 years old and about to be a big sister.

I am  37 weeks pregnant today with a baby boy that I will likely name Xavier Lucas.  There aren’t words for how I am feeling.  The old fears are not too far off but they don’t grip me or hold me hostage. I can dream and be happy and have hope.

Beefcake is doing very well with a new promotion and studying profusely for his licensing exam. He has kept our home together during what has been a challenging pregnancy that has left me fatigued in a way that I have never experienced with any of my others.  I am very proud of him and joke (?) that we are nearly killing him.

And I, well I have found a terrific job and am about to make a year.  I love my boss, she is amazing and supportive and there are not enough words for her.  I am 2 weeks away from a planned c-section and emotionally far better than I have been in years.  My girls are never to far off but I have an incredible capacity to be happy and truly glad and present like I have not in years.

With our bankruptcy nearly a year old now we are rebuilding with prospect of buying a home within a year.

I am blessed.

 

Early Autumn Baking

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I love the fall.  The colors, the leaves, the cozy sweaters and upcoming holidays.  I love snuggling on the couch with a big quilt and baked treat.  I made Buttermilk Cheddar Biscuits sans cheddar…

Apple Pie , which I am PARTICULARLY proud of…

and Key Lime Pie (I made this for Beefcake [his fave!] for our anniversary yesterday).  The only modification I made was adding 4 tablespoons of powdered sugar to the sour cream for the topping instead of 2 per the recipe for the Key Lime Pie.

 

Change

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As I had written several months ago it seems that bankruptcy is inevitable.  I have come to accept that and I am now in a better place about this.

Work improved much, in fact I was excelling at it.  My opinions were appreciated and sought after.  Things were going so well…

I had an unexpected pregnancy that I found out about in early June.  I miscarried on July 2nd; the day after we celebrated Savannah’s.  I’m so glad that it did not rob her of her day.  I have my moments.  Surprisingly, I did not fall to pieces this time.  I was caught off guard when I found out I was pregnant.  I was advised to wait 18 months to 2 years after my surgery before becoming pregnant….at the time I was hardly 6 months out….I was juggling too many hours at work…with too long of a commute.  There was never enough time to blink, breathe….and then I miscarried.

With that loss I gained perspective.  What had I been doing this whole time?  Commuting and working long hours so that my pay can go to daycare and pay off debt?  I was not spending the time I wanted with Savannah.  I was not spending the time I wanted with my husband.  I was not dancing, excercising, baking, reading…I was just on the wheel and going in circles.  The miscarraige brought it all to a halt.

It look about 5 days for the miscarraige to be completed.  My current gynecologist did not want to perform a D&C that was needed because of the TAC.  I reached out to Dr. Davis…he offered to walk my doctor through the process.  They did not want to touch me…the TAC intimidated them. Ultimately I went to see Dr. Davis again.  It was a bittersweet reunion.  He was so kind and he got to meet the baby that his expert hands helped provide.  By the time I got to him…he felt confident that I would be able to naturally miscarry what remained…he did not have to touch me.  Still, it was worth seeing him and hugging the man that played a part in the gift of my daughter (my husband does deserve an honorable mention, don’t you think?).

We in the process of moving back to NJ and resetting the clock.  For all the reasons mentioend above I resigned my position and am not looking back.  It was a very hard and painful decision.  Yet, it makes sense for my family and where I want us to be to move back.

It would not be the first time I pick up pieces and start again.  Strangely, I am excited about the changes that await.

While I’ve been home, i’ve been savoring these precious moments with Savannah, reading, working out and baking, baking, baking!  I’m rediscovering passions that have not been visited in too long. I’m awakening the person I thought I was losing within.

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Almost 50lbs Lost…Deficiency Gained…

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The weightloss is going beautifully…i’m nearly 50lbs down.  I’m at 48lbs as of yesterday.  I can’t beleive it.  I am so thrilled that I went through with the surgery.  I’ve had no complications except for a stomach bug that led to dehydration.  When you are eating as little as I am a bug like that can truly derail you.  Still, I could have been drinking a lot more water…all in all it took about 3 days to feel like myself again.  Other than that…it’s been pretty smooth and has been one of the best experiences and gifts I have ever given myself.

I need to take vitamins consistently, I need to excercise and eat more clean.  It’s really been weighing (haha) on my mind to do so.

In other news we may be facing the possibility of bankruptcy.  The shortsale, which we thought was behind us, has come back to haunt us.  We’ve been sued for the deficiency.  What does this mean for a buying a home in the near future? It saddens me…There is a lot going on…but for now i’m just breathing through it.  Can’t forget to breathe…